The last few nights I’ve been having nightmares, nightmares that revolve around men and love. Sometimes you just don’t know what your subconscious is dealing with…you just know that something is off. Something has been off for awhile.
I had planned on starting 2009 in a relationship. As you know from past posts, that didn’t happen and although I moved on; I’ve discovered it’s been weighing on my subconscious quite a bit. Since I haven’t been willing to deal with it in a wakeful state; it started hunting my dreams. For the most part, I also avoided dealing with my dreams until one of the dream/nightmare had a face to it…the face of the man who broke my heart.
I’m a strong, intelligent, and confident woman. I understand people more than I should and I have a distinct ability to get people to open up to me which allows me to know their vulnerabilities. I uncover things about people but very rarely show my vulnerabilities. I quickly become a confidante, supporter and “cheerleader” for people…especially men.
It took a few years of struggling for me to open up and be comfortable being vulnerable but the last few months, actually since getting my heart broken I’ve retreated back to my place of power and strength. The place where I am in control, the strong one, knowledgeable one and untouchable one. The place where I can’t get hurt.
It’s not a good place. It’s a destructive place. It’s a place where I become extremely competitive and aggressive. This is a place where I don’t share with others who I am. A place where I push people to do more, for them to push themselves as much as I push myself. A place where I use my keen senses to know what people are hiding and holding back to make them face it. I push, push and push everyone. The more I make people look at themselves in the mirror the more I avoid looking at my own behavior.
I become cool, calm and collected. Emotionally unavailable, all business and nothing gets to me. Everything rolls off my shoulders. I lived my life like that for years and I somehow defaulted back to it in order to protect myself.
I actually don’t know what to do about this. How am I going to allow myself to allow someone in again? How am I going to allow myself to be vulnerable again? How?
For all fairness, it wasn’t just the heartbreak. Quite a few people hurt me and betrayed my trust last year. I ran away from it and came to New Orleans. I’ve been submerged in life in ‘Nawlins’ and continued to avoid things. The last couple of weeks things have slowed down and my consciousness has had time to catch up to my subconsciousness.
I’ve made changes in my life, while at the same time I’ve fallen back into old patterns that I thought I’d overcame. We are such animals of habits.
At least one thing I do remember from my years of struggling is that this isn’t something I can deal with alone. It’s a concern I need to pray on and ask God to bring me the answers. I don’t want to be an emotionally unavailable, mechanical, ruthless and competitive being. Instead, I want to be a strong, assertive, driven, ambitious and vulnerable being.