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Lost in a Box

Lost in a Box

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For the last 6-8 weeks, I’ve been lost.  Each day that past, I felt more and more distant to myself. I’m a very self-aware individual, so for me to feel like I didn’t know who I was while becoming more and more numb and disinterested about everything was like having an extremely bad out-of-body experience.  I was turning into an empty shell that performed in a robotic fashion; forcing myself to do just about everything. The superficial day time life was preceded by nights filled with nightmares.

Although I knew how I felt or what little I felt – I didn’t have the first clue what had gotten me there or how I would snap out of it.  I was becoming an emotional wreck, forgetful, and scattered brain.  All I could do was watch helplessly as all of this happened to me.

I racked my brain but nothing terribly drastic had happened that would cause me to become a complete stranger to myself.  I thought, perhaps, it was my reaction to once again shutting down an endeavor I had invested time and money into.  Turned out, it wasn’t quite it however, that was the catalyst.

After pulling the plug on Be Fit NOLA, I decided it was high time for me to go back to school.  After five years of trying my hand at entrepreneurial endeavors and getting nowhere – I told myself it was time to buckle down and “specialize” in something.  Get a degree and become an expert in that field.  Get something solid, viable and normal under my belt. I told myself it was the right thing to do.  Boy, oh boy, was I wrong!!

The decision never sat right with me, but I ignored it and figured it was everything else happening that was actually bothering me.  The more I denied it; the more I spiraled down.  The more I questioned myself; the more I became agitated about whether or not I was picking the right course of study.  The less and less I could see my future.  My bright future became a blank.  Getting up in the morning got tougher and tougher and I spent more time watching t.v., avoiding everything…becoming less productive.  Thinking – one of my favorite things to do became an absolute challenge. I Had Boxed Myself In. I got lost in a box.

The main attributes that define me are: passionate, ambitious, driven and creative.  And one of the most important things to me is freedom.  Freedom to do and be anything I want to be.  I need the freedom to be creative, to follow my passions, impulses and desires because that is what drives, motivates and fuels my ambitions.  I can’t be boxed into a profession or specialty.  I’ve always known that which is why I’ve never picked one.  This is why I am an entrepreneur; I can be a jack of all trades until I grow my own specialty.

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The realization I had boxed myself in crumpled the box and lifted all of the stress and horrible things I had been feeling.  Fuck it!! I’m going to start more ventures and if they also fail – so be it.  Eventually I will get it right but conforming is NOT me.  What matters most is being true to myself.

I’m still going to go to school…after all, it’s paid for with the Post 9/11 GI Bill and I’m going to go learn what’s of interest to me.  I’m going to enhance my mind and expand my horizon which will help me be more creative.

I do believe a few things influenced me to think I needed to specialize once and for all in something but because of the dramatic reaction I had to it – it’s fair to say that won’t happen again!!

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