Most people don’t know this about me but I suffer from depression and over the last couple of years it’s gotten worst. I definitely have what is considered “functional depression”. That is to say, I hide my depression well and I keep doing what needs to be done through sheer will power and self- discipline. Being a psychology major – I’ve had many lectures on depression and none of those have explained ‘my depression’ to me. Why I get depressed is very different than the reasons why most people get depressed.
I know full well my potential, strengths, abilities, drive and ambition. I have never held myself back from fully exploring, growing and risking everything to get to where I want to be but I have encountered many obstacles, a butt load of disappointment and more failures than I like to admit. I’ve kept on picking myself back up although nothing or no one ever showed me the way or showed me signs that things would get better. Trying harder and smarter also didn’t lead me to success or progress for that matter.
A lack of success, progress of any kind or positive re-enforcers will eventually really takes its toll after years of hard work. There was (is) no reason to be motivated….a total lack of motivation when you have huge dreams that are being left unfilled brought on anger, frustrations, and eventually depression.
My dream is to build a multi-million dollar company that makes a difference and helps people. My dream is to lead, help and motivate an amazing team that loves what they do and who they are. I want to continue to grow, learn and be challenged. I hate being stuck in this small stage that is my life. I’ve had big dreams since I was little and I’ve been pursuing them with my all but haven’t caught a break of any kind…ever.
In order to combat my depression – I keep having to scale back on my dream. Do you have any idea what that’s like?!? A lot of people “shelf” their dreams because of fears, self-doubt and a plethora of other excuses. Not me. I have to shelf my dream to keep my sanity, to live with reality and to make it through the day.
It is also very important for me to stay focused and busy – to keep my mind, body and spirit busy but still challenged. School has been good for that but I have a very high level of habituation. Meaning, it doesn’t take long at all for me to get used to additional strain, work, and demands. Which is why I have decided to compete next year in the Great Gulf State Championship.
I started lifting weights when I was 16 in order to get ready for Boot Camp. I’ve been lifting weights ever since – weight lifting cured me of my eating disorder and allowed me to accept my body for what it was. Lifting weights has never let me down. You train hard; eat right and your body responds to it. After failures, disappointments and so much frustration working to achieve my dream it is so REFRESHING to know I can dedicate myself to something and see the results of my hard work – doing this competition is much needed for my sanity.
I gained over 30 pounds in the years after I EAS’ed from the Marine Corps and for a few years I told myself that I was okay with being “not as in shape” because I was dedicating myself to my dream (building a business). Well…I was wrong about that. Now that I’ve lost the 30 pounds I’m ready to go to the next level. I also know that I can handle school, competing and building a business (again, habituation – my body, mind, and soul have handled so much stress, so many different situations and circumstances that I’m trained physically and mentally to load them in, into one).
I once had (10 years ago) the goals to get my college degree and to do a BodyBuilding Show. I put off those goals in order to pursue my dream but since pursuing my dream for the last 6 years hasn’t gotten me anywhere except depressed – the two former goals are back on the table.
Next summer, I will compete in my first show and two months later I will graduate with a BS in Psychology.
I will keep working on my dream armed with goals that will keep me focused, challenged and that will offer me results to keep me motivated.