Woke up this morning with my circumstances screaming in my head; this used to be daily occurrence but over the last 9 months through many, many hours of praying, reading the Word in the New Testament, listening to Joyce Meyer, Joel Osteen and Jesse Duplantis – I have been gaining more faith and turning all of those worries and the pain they cause over to God. Trusting God to provide for my needs, knowing he is working in my life and believing in Him has taken the pain away but at times the worries and stress creep in because although I have changed a great deal; my circumstances have not.
This used to also make me incredibly angry and frustrated. I felt like I was doing everything God was asking of me and he was letting me struggle and not answering any of my prayers. This would lead me to question and even curse God…I was in so much pain. The vision I have for my life is so much greater and bigger than what I can manage alone. The only way it can be done is through God and with God. Having that realization fully “seep” into my spirit, soul, heart, and body took all the pressure away. The pressure being gone hasn’t changed the drive, passion and hunger for my vision and every so often; like this morning, what I lack hits me like a ton of brick. The effort, hard work, dedication, and consistency that I put forth for the mizzly results I’ve received…well I don’t allow myself to finish the thought/sentence. Instead I turn to prayers and I remind God of the promises He has made unto me (unto all of us).
I never lacked self-confidence in my abilities and potential, who I am and what I am meant to achieve. I have however lacked Faith in the past. I have also been Ego driven at times. And I certainly have self-pitied myself. I used to think and even say “I deserve this…or I deserve that because of all the years, the crap, the struggles, the pain, because of all the people I have helped…why not me. I deserve it.”
I know and realize now that receiving miracles and fulfilling my purpose has absolutely nothing to do with what I think I deserve. I am here to serve God, I am here to fulfill the plan HE has for my life. I know it’s an amazing and glorious plan, but not because I deserve it, but because He loves me; God wants me to be happy and so “He may establish His covenant upon this earth.” (Col. 1:19)
When I wake-up or my mind becomes polluted with the struggles I still have in my life, all the many things I lack I no longer allow those thoughts, feelings and emotions to stick around, to take root, to depress me, and to give me pain. I pray and I strengthen my Faith. I give thanks. I focus on what is good and amazing in my life. I close my eyes and I enjoy every details of the life I am able to envision. I reach out and I sow more seeds by offering my help to others. I smile more. The devil and his defeating ways are not allowed in me because Jesus has firmly taken residence in my heart, mind and spirit.
God knows what’s in my heart. I don’t know why I have not received the blessings I pray for but I am not questioning Him; I am trusting Him. I am loving Him. I am praising Him. It is through Him and with Him that I will walk out of the wilderness.
So I turned to gratitude for what I do have and went to the gym to do my cardio. I returned, had breakfast and been praying and writing since. I can hear the thunder outside and Little Man is getting all agitated. Today will be an excellent day to do what needs to be done. Lots of reading for my English and Nutrition class. In-between the reading I hope to write 1 or 2 more blog posts and I have an important email to send.