Alright…just because I came in 4th and did not qualify for Nationals as planned and therefore failed to accomplish Mission Qualification isn’t a reason to not talk about the competition, how I prepared for it and what I learned from the experience.
It is much easier to sweep disappointment under the rug to make it go away then it is to face it, talk about it and deal with it. That is why I am not afraid to use the word “failure”. It’s not a bad word and there is nothing wrong with failing. I’m not being down on myself or being negative – I’m being honest and realistic…that is what confident people do. People are afraid of failing and that’s why they don’t try – people want to constantly feel good about themselves and not experience disappointment so they avoid putting themselves out there. I don’t need a trophy for participation and hard work – for having come a long way. I already know and feel the rewards of my hard work.
Yes, I believe everyone who steps on stage is a winner for doing so but I had set a goal beyond stepping on stage and I failed to achieve that goal. However, like I said in my post yesterday, what brought me pain was not the 4th place placement but all the circumstances that surrounds it and not having a foreseeable opportunity to step on stage to try again this year. But even with that being said, I did my wallowing yesterday – today is a new day and those who achieve great things are indeed hard on themselves. When you believe in yourself – you will be hard on yourself. You will have high expectations. You will set big goals and you will master how to handle setback. You will know how to bounce back.
My Prep for Greater Gulf States Championship
I unfortunately brought a lot of baggage with me on stage and I knew I was doing so as I was prepping. My prep for this competition felt different, was different. I was having nightmares and my hair was starting to fall out…all signs I was experiencing stress and I wasn’t dealing with it. What happened, not qualifying, is what I was worried would happen because I knew it would mean the end of the road for now. As I was prepping, I could see my physique improve but the last week of prep and going for a fuller but softer look was not sitting well with me. I should have said something to my coach. I should have said I didn’t want to come in softer – it didn’t feel right. The other girls who placed better than I did were dryer and harder than me. My gut was telling me what I needed to do – the stress I was feeling was from not listening to my gut.
I could have brought a tighter package to the stage but didn’t. The conundrum of listening to feedback from judges is one that quite frankly can’t be solved. Judges all have their own interpretations. I should have listened to my gut. I know, I know better. I will not beat myself over it, though. Continue to live, continue to learn.
The Road Ahead
I will be hitting the gym today and training back. My goal is to put some size on my upper back, narrow my lower back some more and continue to improve my legs – especially my glutes. I will train to put on size and focus on staying lean as I do it. I want to be “4-5 weeks out competition ready” as I make my improvements in case things change financially and the opportunity to step on stage presents itself.
I will continue to blog and make videos about my training but my focus will be more on getting myself financially stabilized and thriving.