I have been fully honest with everyone who is following my journey so I won’t stop now. I have been mostly in tears since they called my name out as 4th Place last night. I don’t care I got 4th Place. I had a much better physique than I did a few weeks at Camellia when I made my debut. I made great improvements in a short amount of time. I’m ticked off we got rushed during pre-judging Friday night – we didn’t do quarter turns, flew through the 5 mandatories and the judges never did comparisons…so how they got their placements; I don’t know and I frankly don’t care.
The reason why I’ve been in tears, why I’m hurting and why I have to keep praying is because things just DON’T MAKE SENSE. Bottom line is, I can’t afford to step on another stage to qualify for Nationals. I don’t care if I had step on a dozen more stages to qualify since I know I would get better and better each and every time – what hurts so much is being in this state of constant financial struggle year after year, months and after months no matter what I do, how much I pray, trust God and put all my heart and soul in what I do. What hurts so much is to know it is this constant state of financial hardship that is keeping me from achieving what I set out to do.
My family and so many of you my friends have stepped up and helped me in order to be able to compete in the last two competitions – I am indebted to you and so grateful. However, I can’t keep putting off my other financial responsibilities in order to keep competing and going at the same pace I’ve been going. Although I’ve sent out emails and worked on getting some real sponsorship – nothing has manifested. I won’t quit. I won’t give up. But you must understand there are emotional weights to constant closed doors and years of pouring my heart out and financially getting more depleted.
God has placed this amazing vision of my life in my spirit and its manifestation is…I don’t know. I am not trying to explain it. I just know I’m exhausted, drained and feeling a lot of pain right now. My phone broke on Friday and I can’t afford to replace it. I can’t afford to renew my passport to get to Okinawa for my IMA commitment in August. I can’t afford to get Little Man his shots which are a few months overdue. I can’t afford my supplements, coach, or anything related to training and competing. I can’t afford to keep following my dream – I gotta face the reality and get whatever job I can get at this point once school ends.
I don’t know why I have to keep facing these same circumstances although I have changed so much and have turned my life over to God. I can’t fight his Will. Although I am in pain, upset and sad – I am not angry, mad or frustrated. What is happening right now is way beyond my understanding. What I will do is keep moving forward. Keep doing what I can. Keep the faith and keep praying.
I know many of you have/are praying for me and I thank you very much for that! I am very tired of having so much adversity in my life but I have become the person I set out to become and that is the biggest achievement we can achieve in life. I wish the life that I feel and live in the inside reflected through in my outside circumstances – I know it will someday. Just not today.