Anyone who has had to write a long paper or attempted to write a book knows that writing is a process that can send your mind wondering like a SOB. My mind has definitely been going in multiple directions these last few days and yesterday I found myself obsessing over something or rather someone. In my honest confessional way of sharing on this blog, I will admit it was definitely in a sinful fashion and also in a way which in the past has lead me to make mistakes about my men selection.
Years ago, I met a man at the gym (I know…not exactly original). We locked eyes and the connection was immediate for both of us. Besides being 6’1”, and built like Adonis…he exuded confidence and intensity and had a gorgeous smile. We didn’t speak to each other but a few days later we saw one another again at an event. At that point, he did not hesitate to pursue me and he pursued me with finesse, intent, and skills.
He definitely had some issues that we won’t get into, hence why our time together came to an end, but there’s no denying I had the most incredible and intense six months of my life with him. This was well over ten years ago and no man since has ever made me feel the way he did. Trust me; I have sought to find someone with the same intensity, confidence and passion.
He turned the intensity in which he did everything into a passion for me that was intoxicating. Ever been intoxicated by someone?
It’s the aggressive, assertive, confident, and I use the word yet again, INTENSE personality types that possess this ability. It’s making a connection of familiarity based on those traits and letting those freely transfer into passion without allowing the passion and emotions to be clouded by fear. The brain shuts down and the instincts kick in. It is so freeing – nothing I’ve known or experienced prior or since has ever compared to it.
This is isn’t just a sexual thing, either. It’s breathing in everything the other person is and allowing it to touch all of your senses. It’s truly seeing who the other person is and recognizing them as you see and recognize yourself. No walls. No fears. No expectations.
It was so easy to talk and share everything with him, to be me, to allow him access to everything. He also made me feel like the sexiest, most beautiful, intelligent, and amazing woman alive. My stubborn, independent, and strong will submitted to him without me fighting it. I was the woman in the relationship, he was the man.
I’ve ached for more than a decade to know that again and the few times I’ve encountered men that appeared to have the same personality traits and possibilities – I’ve turned them in my head into what he was able to make me feel. I opened myself to them but they didn’t “receive me” in the same way nor did they open themselves to me. Therefore, all those attempts/relationships crashed and burned.
My imagination was running wild yesterday and I was doing the same thing again with a man who clearly isn’t actually what I seek.
I have to put a stop to it. I know better. I’m conscious of what I’m doing and I know where it leads but bad habits are so hard to break.
Perhaps what bothers me most though is I thought I had let go of wanting to feel that level of intensity and passion again – accepting it was a once in a lifetime event but the truth was revealed yesterday. In the depth of my mind (and my heart) laid this burning desire that my free wondering mind mixed with an attraction to someone rekindled and set on fire.
If only you could, without sounding completely insane, go to someone and say “You have ignited a fire in me I thought was gone, will you please join me to fuel it because I know it’s the best thing that could ever happen in our lives.”
And yes, I am writing at book on self-confidence not a Harlequin novel!
Am doing much praying about this…it makes me feel quite conflicted.