For the last 7-10 days I feel like I was inserted into a pressure cooker to see what would happen. Not proud to admit the steam has been coming out of my ears!!
I was fuming for a few days…temper, anger, frustration were on the rise. I got my marching orders to write my (e-)book; I buckled down and got it done. However, once it was done, that’s when things started running less than smoothly. Besides the issues I’ve had with the publisher, money I was expecting in order to pay the rent hasn’t come in and I found myself yet again where I always seem to end up, no matter how much I do things differently.
Right on cue as things started running less than smoothly my hormones kicked up…a mixture of PMS and extra testosterone from Test Charge. I became a volcano ready to erupt. I lost my patience but did not lose faith.
My mind started running wild with all the things I could do…while my spirit calmly reminded me to not take fleshly control. No matter how angry and frustrated I felt – I did not allow it to lead me to rash decisions and actions. All kinds of hasty plans flooded my mind; I reminded myself that nothing good ever came from that – I needed to stay on course.
Old demons reared their ugly heads. I became enflamed with desires of living the life where I’m not only living up to my potential but pushing myself to new levels instead of being stuck in this slow moving/progressing life I have.
You know Coach Carter/Marianne Williamson quote “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world.”
I don’t have that fear. My greatest weakness is the incredible potential inside of me that is crying to be let out – to be fully employed and maximize. It takes over my peace and my happiness. It has been testing my sanity for years. I don’t actually expect people to understand this because I know how afraid people are to discover who they are and what they can become.
I am haunted each day by how I didn’t use or expand my potential. I want the dominoes to fall, the linchpin to be set free, so I can stretch my wings. When I feel like this, I feel like every morning I have to put parts of my desires to be more than I am inside a container and lock it down just to make it through the day.
I know God loves me and I know He is saving me from myself. He is clearly staying on my case to teach me patience. Patience is and remains a key to living up to that potential bubbling like a volcano inside of me and when He puts me in the “Pressure Cooker” – I don’t exercise patience.
Lessons are learned in the spans of days now rather than years so my progress is improving but not ideal.
As soon as I realized this morning how much I was failing at my time in the “Pressure Cooker” – it all eased up. If we have the level of self-awareness we are supposed to have; we can judge ourselves before God has to intervene.
God setup the situations, I got caught up in it (although less than usual) and saw the errors of my way – I repented and now I have to wait for the next “Pressure Cooker” to be a better version of myself next go round.