Last Friday I had an emotional breakdown…I woke up filled with fear because my flesh, the enemy and logic were screaming at me to look at my circumstances and face reality. I spent the day in prayer and making sure I was not in fact going slightly insane, which made me realize just how much conflict there is between faith and logic.
Logic and Reality
It’s downright difficult to avoid and deny reality unless you are well…in complete denial and/or suffering from a psychological disorder. There’s nothing pleasant about my reality. My reality while applied to common logic would dictate that if I stay on my current path, poverty and homelessness are in my very near future; unless I take some sort of action to prevent what seems to be logically the inevitable.
It’s what I woke up on Friday consumed with – my head screaming at me TO DO SOMETHING.
Faith and the Spirit
When choosing to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and living a life based on faith and relationship with God through Jesus and the Holy Spirit…you sometimes have to throw logic out of the window because Faith has very little to do with logic. Faith is based on what can’t be seen…while reality is all about what is seen, felt and being lived. This is a source of conflict for someone like me…someone just starting out in my walk with God who also happens to be facing some seriously dire circumstances.
My faith has grown in leaps and bounds over the last year and half and I definitely handle attacks against my faith and bouts of doubt very differently now. I don’t experience anger, resentment, and frustrations towards God – I remain faithful, grateful and obedient. However, I do experience fear, some pain and confusion. Fear that God will not provide for my needs, fear and uncertainty about His promises and confusion about what is written and promised in the Word of God compared to what my life and circumstances are revealing.
Matthew 6:25-33 reads: Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sew nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is today alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore, do not be anxious saying, ‘What shall we eat,’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.
According to Matthew and many other verses in the Bible, I have absolutely nothing to fear or worry about. God is working in my life and will provide for all of my needs according to his riches.
The TOTAL IRONY of this situation is I didn’t use to be afraid when I was left to providing for myself because I would always hustle to make something happen or take on a job, billet in the Marine Corps…whatever I needed in order to have the money I needed. However, let me also be ABSOLUTELY CLEAR, providing for myself/making decisions based on the needs of my flesh vice the needs to my spirit lead me to extreme pain, depression and complete misery.
What causes me mild pain right now is how uncomfortable my flesh (body and mind) are with the situation and the fact God is not calling me to act in any kind of way!!
While it feels like my circumstances are worsening, God is not guiding me to do anything…as a matter of fact; He is telling me to hold steady and have faith. I suck at doing nothing. I suck at waiting. I mean I get it – God is asking me to show my faith by asking me to do what makes me the MOST UNCOMFORTABLE. NOTHING.
It’s different for different people. It’s what we struggle with the most that is laid in our paths. Over the last 2 years, God has laid a variety of opportunities to highlight my shortcomings, flaws and sinful nature; I addressed each and every one of them and He provided for me. I know the pattern, I know how He works, and I know what His Word says about my situation (Deuteronomy 28 is another perfect chapter in the Bible that addresses what I’m facing) so why do I still get effected by the attacks?
I’m weak. We are all weak and the attacks are constant opportunities to keep turning, leaning and praying to God. His answer to what I’m going through remains the same – hold steady but He also provides me with the renewed strength to do just that.
What Logic Can’t Explain
My relationship with God, the certainty of the calling on my life and what I know awaits me according to God’s promises cannot be logically explained. My walk with God and obedience to His will for my life do not apply only when it feels convenient, makes complete sense and is easy to do; it’s a full commitment in order to continue to grow into the person God created me to be and fulfill His plan for my life.
I wouldn’t put myself into this insanely uncomfortable place I’m currently in and I certainly would be clueless how to survive, continue to get up every morning and function…never mind thrive in what seems like an impossible situation heading into inevitable disaster. It’s obvious God is at work in my life and providing me with the strength I require to keep moving forward towards what He’s got in store for me. While illogical, it makes perfect sense…FAITH.