Silence befalls upon me when my life doesn’t make sense and I have more questions than answers. I write as a means to make sense of things and to express myself, but for the last few months; I haven’t known what to say. I still don’t have a completely clear idea of what’s going on in my life but I feel compelled to write…
A few years ago I turned my life over to God, at which time He began to work miracles into my life. He guided me to accomplish many goals, built me up and repaired many damaged relationships. I was in awe of the work He was doing in my life. I was struggling with my Faith but it was getting stronger every time I made it through an adversity and accomplished a new goal.
Then the Lord called me back to the Marine Corps. I didn’t understand or agree with His call but I none the less obeyed. It’s been an exhausting time…but I’ve found myself growing in circumstances I thought I knew so well; I’d given up the possibilities they would still mold me. Yet, they have. Are.
Through it all though, I have suffered the loss of so much…that once mattered to me. All that used to drive me, motivate me and inspire me. My entrepreneurial dreams turned to dust as I laid them before God. I’m slowing coming out of mourning for all that once mattered which matters not anymore.
I have felt lost without my once big ambitions and dreams. Also on the missing list of the other things that used to have much of my time and focus is my desire to compete and everything it involved. I asked myself yesterday: What am I passionate about now? I have only one thing left. The Lord. The center, focus and passion of my life have now become the Lord.
When I started obeying Him after turning my life to Him, I began the painful process of dying to self…unknowing it would require me to let go of all that I was prior to walking with Him. I shed the rest of what I needed to let go these last few months. Many won’t understand this…God knows before now, I didn’t either. I realize now, as I’m writing…all of it has been so I can be a clean slate for Him to work His plan for my life.
I get why people are so afraid to commit their lives to the Lord. It’s scary to let go of EVERYTHING. The only way to let go is to lean on Him…more and more. To stop loving the insignificant in order to fully love Him. To forget all other comforts and safety but His.
There is nothing I want except to serve Him. Nothing I want but His will for my life. Dead is the person I was before Him.
What does He want? What is He calling me to do? Was I wrong about His calling for me to be the Confidence Builder? I don’t know. I will have to pray on it. However, I can easily see it’s no coincidence I’m at this juncture 7 weeks out from embarking on a major life change: Moving to Germany.
All that makes sense to do is prepare for the move, continue to pray and spend even more time getting to know Him.
Lord, thank you. Thank you for unveiling what work You have been doing in my life. It hasn’t been easy on me but I know you never left my side and every time I cried out; you gave me the strength I needed. Thank you for making me realize, “lost” is a life without you. I’m excited and look forward for all that you have in store for me!