I boasted to a handful of people that I was feeling good about the job I’d applied for. God’s presence has been strong since Monday…so I assumed it was a positive sign things were looking good since the job closed on Monday. The news that awaited me in my inbox this morning made me realize His presence was actually to ease the blow. While I considered myself qualified for the job I really wanted…according to the computer that reviewed my resume – I’m not.
The rejection hurt. I reread the email a few times…hoping I’d misread the words or that perhaps the words would magically change. Then time stood still as my thought selection filtered in, as if someone had pulled the lever on a slot machine and a series of thoughts were going round and round. Thoughts of past disappointment, rejection, pain and hurt that had long been buried wanted to rise from the dead and creep back in. The cascade of everything I have to feel sorry for myself wanted to flow freely with this latest rejection leading the wave.
The slot machine stopped and my thoughts settled on God, God, and God. There He was filling me with His love. Reminding me of the last two days and all of the hope, happiness and joy I felt. He quietly said “It wasn’t the prospect of the job that filled you with those feelings but knowing I am there and I love you. I’m still here and I love you.”
I didn’t need to dwell on how disappointed I felt or how it hurts. He knows. I didn’t have to remind Him of everything I’ve been through. He knows. But I did ask him to keep guiding me, to show me the way, to lead me to what He has planned for me. He knows that too…but I don’t, not yet. I asked Him to keep revealing Himself to me, to keep teaching me His ways and to keep by my side.
When that was all said and done – the only thing left was a desire to write about it. God first. Writing second. What would I choose to do given the opportunity to do anything…not the job I applied for any other type of work. I would write. So the answer for now is: write.