I know God is constantly with me. He kept me from walking into a pole yesterday and this morning, as I started walking back to the hotel, He told me I left my room key on the ledge where I stopped to take a picture. He always keeps me safe and leads me to the most amazing places and experiences. He is all I need and I would never put anyone above Him…but the latter is sometimes difficult when loneliness crepts in. Sometimes He isn’t the last or first thing on my mind. Sometimes those thoughts drift to the desire to have a physical someone in my life. I can’t imagine who out there is suited for me, but I long to hold someone’s hand, to get lost in a set of loving eyes…to have the presence of a man in my life. A man who would guide me around the street poles, as I figure out which way Google Map is telling us to go, and who would run back to grab the key if I forgot it somewhere.
Admittedly, being alone is harder when surrounded by married couples with kids who all appear perfectly happy and by good looking Special Forces guys that look like the modern day prince charming. I realize it’s mostly an illusion or disillusion, but sometimes it doesn’t take away the sting of loneliness.
God has helped me develop in many areas the last few years but emotionally, I feel I’m still very closed off. It makes me wonder if He will eventually shake up that part of my life. I feel very deeply and easily empathize with others which are big reasons why I stay isolated and closed-off (somewhat common traits in introverts). I sat at a café in Prague consumed with sympathy for a man who stood in the sun holding a sign that said “Guide” high above his head with such determination; it broke my heart since next to him stood younger tour guides lazily holding umbrellas that said “free tours.” His arms didn’t move, shake or seem to tire. I wanted to know his story. I wanted someone to hire him. I was done walking and wasn’t interested in a tour at this point, so I felt filled with guilt and clueless what to do. I didn’t know if God was calling me to take a tour anyway or if I was over empathizing with him. As I was preparing to leave the café, still unsure what to do, I saw him fold his sign and walk off. At that point, I didn’t know if I felt relief or if I’d missed out on something God had planned for me.
Thirty minutes later, I saw a man on a park bench who had one pant leg off as he was trying to dry his pants. Clearly a homeless man who was plagued with multiple ailments; his exposed leg was red and swollen. Again, my heart broke to pieces not knowing how to help him. I have read about Christians who wouldn’t have hesitated to go to him, language barrier and all…but I didn’t know how. I simply don’t easily reach out to others – no matter who they are. I hold a huge capacity to love; I just don’t know how to tap into it without over exposing myself.
I kept walking, praying for God to send me someone to show me how to make myself more accessible. Someone to teach me how to open up and walk me through how to reach out to those in need and pain by setting an example to follow. If it’s part of His will for me; I know someone perfect for the job will show up in my life.