And Jesus said to them, Because of your unbelief: for truly I say to you, If you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible to you. –Matthew 17:20
This has been so far one of the worst trip and weekend I can remember in a long time. I woke up this morning filled with dread, anxiety and fear. It’s undoubtedly a compilation of everything that’s been keeping me busy, making me miserable, and leaving me unhappy and dissatisfied.
I’ve been extremely busy at work with the same and constant madness that’s been plaguing that place but now, to top it off, the Marines who have been my saving grace are leaving and that’s breaking my heart. I’ve been trying to distract myself with applying for jobs, tweaking my website, and rebranding myself in order to establish something I love in my life. It’s required me to start planning many trips at once and I’ve probably taken on too much in the process. I’ve also come to realize; I have little faith and hope in a better future for myself.
There I said it. I’m having a faith crisis…I don’t believe God has a beautiful plan for my life. I believe He has a plan and it looks like what my life has been so far; a life lived alone (in the physical world) facing and raising above struggles…over and over again. I believe my faith crisis has brought about greater struggles, which is what had me paralyzed in bed this morning. My faith crisis is not in my belief in God; that is stronger than ever, so I turned to Scriptures to overcome my fears and anxieties.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus Philippians 4:6-7
You see, my car is currently 8 miles away…hopefully still parked in the parking lot I left it in, after I was unable to make it back up the mountain yesterday. While I’ve been under the belief I have all weather tires on my car, they’re clearly insufficient in the slightest amount of snow. Yesterday morning, I got stuck in the hotel parking lot almost hitting a parked van. Thankfully, I found the owner of the van and was able to escape without hitting anything. I proceeded to follow directions to an information center that took me way out of my way, desperate to find a trail I could hike, having given up on actually cross country skiing, which is what I had originally ventured up here to do.
It began to snow after my hike, and as I was driving up the mountain, I started skidding and back sliding. Yes, there were cars in front and behind me. Thankfully, they all came to a stop. I was eventually able to turn around to make my way back down the mountain to park my car. I had the option to wait and see if the snow would stop, but it was getting late so I began to hike back. I hiked most of the way, a few miles short; I stopped at a restaurant to eat and got a cab.
I’m gonna have to head out at some point today, and go find out if the roads are good enough to drive my car back up then continue to pray the weather is good enough for me to make it back home tomorrow. As I laid awake this morning, feeling helpless and super alone…I turned all my worries over to God. I don’t know how I’m going to get my car back up here, or how I’m going to get out of here tomorrow – I have faith God is going to work it out. God can solve my problems in the supernatural; I can only stress figuring out the natural, worldly solutions.
I might lack faith in the hope of a bright and simpler future for my life, but I don’t lack any faith in knowing God will get me through whatever is currently plaguing my life. I might feel unhappy, miserable and dissatisfied with my circumstances, but I know “greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.”
I have committed my life to God. As Dr. Stanley says: “Obey the Lord and leave the consequences to Him.” I control nothing. I’m an obedient servant. I don’t throw money, logic or anything else at my problems because that makes me anxious, fearful and stressed…I hand them to the Lord.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears Psalm 34:4
Will let you all know how God worked things out in the next post.