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When Are You Leaving?

When Are You Leaving?

In my mind, my departure date is set for 1 February.  In reality, it doesn’t look like I’m ready to go anywhere, any time soon. But I know it’s time to go. It’s cold in Massachusetts. I’m growing in my discontent and boredom, which is making me antsy and frustrated.

All of my belongings are already in storage…it should be as simple as buying a plane ticket, travel insurance, packing my backpacks and heading out. So what’s the hold up?

Once I leave, there are things I will never be returning to.

My mom has brain cancer.  She was operated back in June and it was removed, but unfortunately, she wasn’t able to complete all of her chemo therapy, and the cancer has been growing back. Once I leave, the reality is I probably won’t see her alive again. She isn’t coherent anymore and it’s hard to tell what she is and isn’t aware of.

A part of me is putting off leaving, because I’m putting off having my potentially last visit with my mom.

My dad and stepmom have bought a new house, so after I leave, I will never return to the house where I spent the latter part of my childhood. I left home at 17, so this house hasn’t been my home, that is until the last few months…none the less, it’s something else that will be gone whenever I return.

Parting with my Car

It doesn’t make much sense to keep my car since I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, or what I’ll do when I return. My car, while only an inanimate object, represents my time in Germany, and a short, but significant span of my life. Every time I drive it, it brings back wonderful memories. Letting go of the direct link to those memories…is proving to be more difficult than I’d anticipated.

Leaving Little Man Behind

My favorite time of the day is when Little Man has gone outside, been fed, and we get back into bed to cuddle, while the coffee is brewing. I don’t see it has a valid option to take Little Man with me on this trip.  I don’t know where all I’m going to go and he would likely end up being an inconvenience. He’ll be left in good hands while I’m gone, but the thought of leaving him is breaking my heart.  He’s been the one consistent source of love and joy in my life.

I want and need to get going on my adventure, but it’s an emotionally heavy step to take. I can deal with change and the unknown, but sometimes it takes a little more time to make peace with it all.

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